T-shirt funnies

Just a quick post today as we’re getting ready for Santa, or Satan for the dyslexics. I saw a post on Facebook that no doubt many of you will have seen – accidentally offensive t-shirts.  A few were just too priceless to ignore:

Seems like the preferred state of mind if you’re about to let Santa come up your chimney!

And how about this poor girl. So alone and unloved she has to declare to the world that her self-love is indeed returned by her cunt:

 And for the finale, bringing up the rear so to speak, we have another invitation. Now, if either of her friends were suggesting anal I might have pause, given the view from the front. Miss Grumpy though? Back door view every time. Keep Calm and Bite the Pillow !

Merry Christmas y’all. And remember, Santa still visits the naughty boys and girls, and he doesn’t give out coal any more (global warming and all). Expect a deliciously tingly rear-end by morning, and a very clean chimney 🙂

Oglaf – inspired quotes!

You have to go check out Oglaf. The most surreal carton I’ve read. Often erotic, often slightly weird but generally very funny. Here’s a little sample:

And you may spot the little one-liners at the top of each page. Here are a few of my favourites:

Your cock seems sort of bland. I did practice fellatio on sausages though

How much more pathetic do I need to be before I get pity sex?

I’m looking for the kind of problems you can solve with sex

If ‘garage sale’ was innuendo for anal sex, I would snicker more at weekends

I love shower sex. Ikea are less keen

I’m a generous lover but for selfish reasons

The plague has been cancelled due to illness

Sexual innuendo? I can keep it up all night

I could go on, but better for you to just pop on over and while away a night reading through the comic.

Santa’s Little Helper

One snowy Christmas Eve, poor Rudolph was feeling a little under the weather. He was in no condition to fly. Santa was worried, not least because he had no idea how he would see without Rudolph’s bright red nose to guide the way. He pondered on this problem for most of the day but found no solution.

And just when he thought things couldn’t get any worse, Santa received news about one of his little female helpers who had been seen trying to hitch a ride by flashing her sexy little bottom to the passing motorists. Well of course, Santa was furious, especiLly with him being in such a foul mood over Rudolph, and he summoned the poor unfortunate elf back to the North Pole for a serious reprimand.

The silly elf saw no reason to apologize, so Santa wrapped a big muscular arm around her tiny waist, then flipped her over his knee. He took up a good solid paddle and gave his bratty little elf the hiding of her life.

Santa paddled that poor elf’s butt so severely he solved the problem of Rudolph’s nose. He just perched the little elf on the front of the sleigh with her bum shining brightly red to guide the way. He even had a nice hand warmer to ease the chill that frosty Christmas Eve.

The Voyeur

My office overlooks a hotel in the downtown core. I like to stay late, sitting in the dark and watching what might unfold across the street. Often times I’ve been treated to a quick flash of underwear as a female guest undresses on the way to the shower, not anticipating an audience 23 floors above the city. I’ve seen some nice tits in my time. It’s better in the winter when the nights arrive early. Guests heading back to their rooms to quickly change before a night-out often neglect to draw the blinds.

I’ve seen many sights from my darkened office. I keep a small pair of binoculars for the more interesting moments. Many times it’s the men who care little for their privacy. They fling their office clothes off at the end of the day, then lay on the bed, tugging off a quick one before dressing again for a night of beers with their city-friends. More than once I’ve watched a guy stand in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows and wank away to the city below. I guess they get a thrill from their pseudo-exhibitionism, safe as they are from the street level stares.

From what I’ve seen, the business traveller takes on a new persona away from home, away from the mundane security of daily family life. I’ve seen men and women, young and old, bringing partners into their rooms, tearing the clothes off each other in their passion. Rarely does the visitor stay the night – I guess it is easier to explain a late night meeting or dinner with clients than it is to explain a night’s absence to a partner back home.

I’ve watched some wild antics, too. I watched one business man strip off his pants and underwear, then bend himself over the foot of the bed with his flabby white bum pushed up so that the lady with him could whip him with a scary looking cane. He must have been paying her, I guess, though why I’ve no idea. She should have paid him for the pleasure she took as she slashed away viciously at his plump buttocks. The way the bed was positioned, I could clearly see the mass of purple lines she left behind. Every few strokes, she reached underneath, I’m guessing to wank his cock. I’ve seen women getting a spanking, too. These always seem much more mutually satisfying, to my eye at least. I’ve seen women bending for a hand spanking, mainly, but I’ve seen a girl lay on the bed to be whipped with a belt, and I keenly remember the one who took it good with a riding crop. I’ve enjoyed that moment many times in the quiet darkness of my office. I’ve also seen more blow jobs than I’ve had personally, too.

The most memorable display happened a few weeks back. I saw a couple arrive on a Monday and they clearly had promise. The first night I saw her strip for the shower. The guy she was with grabbed her arm as she passed and eased her down to her knees in front of him. She had knelt there, then unzipped his pants and pulled out his cock before giving him a quick BJ. She left him with a hard-on sticking out of his zipper as she flounced off to the shower. When she came out they started getting it on when she glanced out of the window. I stepped back into the shadows of my office but they shut the drapes, so I was left with my imagination and a hard dick of my own.

Next day I saw them again. The guy had moved a chair in front of the window, sideways on. He came out of the bathroom and sat in the chair, starkers. She came over to him, naked herself, and she knelt down in front of him to blow him. I was looking directly into their room, so I could see everything from my desk, but I wanted more so I moved to the window. I had my binoculars in one hand, the other – well, I’m sure you can guess. My dick was rock hard and caught up in my pants, so I unzipped and tugged him out and started stroking as I enjoyed the view. The girl was bobbing her head up and down on his dick, sucking like she was enjoying a huge Popsicle. She then dipped down to suck on his nuts while she wanked his shaft. I kept time with her movements, using my pre-cum as a lubricant. I could see his dick standing tall and strong, the red tip glowing like a lighthouse beacon – he was a big boy, I can tell you!

After a while he pushed her head away and she stood up and moved to his side with her back to the window. She was a slim thing, beautiful and with a lovely pert bum. He pulled her over his lap so her bum pointed right at the window, maybe two feet from the glass.  The guy nudged her feet and she opened her legs wide as she lay stretched across his knee. The angle of his legs made her bum stick up high and her head hang low, so everything was on display. Through my glasses I could see right up her pussy, wet and open and eager.

I watched as he started smacking her bum. Not too hard to start off with – at least, she didn’t seem to be minding. In fact after a minute he stopped and looked down at her as if was listening to her, then he took up the rhythm again with much more vigour. I could see her bum getting quite pink now, all the way from her thighs to the top of her bum crack, and round both sides. I’d never seen a spanking before, and let me tell you, it was fucking horny. I had dropped my pants by now, so I was standing at my window naked from the waist and gently wanking as I watched. I kept myself on the edge so I didn’t shoot too soon.

He stopped spanking then, and started stroking her cunt. I saw him dip two fingers in and finger-fuck her, then pull out and stick a finger up her ass, and fuck her there too. He stopped, and she stood. He got off the chair and she bent over, hands on the seat and bum pushed out, facing the window again. He knelt down behind her and ate her out, feasting on her wet pussy and arse like a condemned man’s last meal. He stood up then, moved her slightly sideways to the window and slowly pushed his huge dick into her. I could see her pussy lips wrap around his cock as he slid slow and deep. He pulled out most of the way, then rammed home, hard. He kept this up for a while, then started fucking her hard and fast, holding her by the hips to stop her falling. She was gripping the chair like her life depended on it. Suddenly he stopped, shoving himself in hard so his cock was buried deep in her cunt, then after a few seconds he gave her a few more gentle fuck-strokes before pulling out.

She stood up and they held each other, then they both turned to the window, held hands and bowed, blew a kiss and pulled the drapes.

Next day, the guest in the room was a fat middle-aged bloke, so I left and took the early train home.

Willie the Wanker

kamitora.org

Young Willie was a wanker

He wanked off night and day

He beat his meat repeatedly

He loved his solitary play

*

His mum got very worried

As every mother would

She made him wear thick mittens

But it didn’t do any good

*

She took him to the doctor

She said, “What can you do?”

The doctor looked on helplessly

He hadn’t got a clue

*

And so his acts continued

As he grew into a man

His dick was sore and blistered

He needed a new plan

*

He found a spankopsychologist

Who promised him a cure

She said the path was painful

More than many could endure

*

But Willie was unflustered

He knew this had to stop

He booked a time and went right round

After he’d jerked out one last drop

*

The Doc told him to drop his pants

So she could see the cause

And perhaps find a solution

Without cutting off his balls

*

She reached down very gently

And touched his flaccid dick

Instantly the blood flowed in

And it stood up like a stick

*

“Oh no,” said she. “This is no good,

I’m having none of this”

She took a plastic ruler

And whacked him, on the tip

*

Well this set things in motion

There was no turning back

Willie’s dick erupted

As she gave another whack

*

This took her by surprise, indeed

She said “Oh my, oh my!”

Then wiped away the semen

That had landed in her eye

*

She stood up tall, all five foot two

And looked up at his chin

“Young man you’re quite disgusting,

Now, let’s begin again.”

*

“A tough regime is needed

To bring things back to earth

You need a solid caning

Every time you get the urge”

*

She had him bend and touch his toes

Then fetched a wicked rod

She lined up with a wicked smirk

“I’ll cure you good, you sod!”

*

She striped him good, she striped him hard

She gave him many whacks

Yet when she looked down underneath

His erection had come back

*

And so again, she whipped his butt

Til her arm got rather sore

Young Willie thrust his butt up high

And was crying out for more

*

Just as she finished whacking

His dick jerked up, he came

Young Willie was ecstatic

Even with his bum aflame

*

“That felt so good! It’s the only way

I ever want to cum

Oh Doc, you’ve cured my wanking

With a very painful bum”

*

“I can come around on Tuesdays

And Fridays too, at night

And have you cane my naked bum

When I’m stretching it real tight”

*

“And then I can stop wanking

Every moment, every day

I can save it up for Tuesday

And Friday, if I may”

*

The Doc looked on, she wore a frown

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be

But hey, if he thinks it’s working

I will take his weekly fee

*

And now he has stopped wanking

His dick has much improved

Although his butt is stripy

Like a tiger, only lewd

*

Dishwashing Duties

Kamitora.org

Next time you complain about doing the dishes

Remember how much you regret

Standing in such an enticing position

With your hands and your pussy both soaking wet.

*

The soap will go further if you speak one more time

Your lips will be frothy, your ass hot and sore

Enough of your lip, just finish the dishes

And when you’re all done, come play like a whore

*

You secretly love exhibitionist games

I know. That’s why you always mess up

And why would I stop you, my delightful young thing

You’re just like a rabbit when we get down to fuck

*

So please, keep complaining about doing the dishes

So I can step up and strip your butt bare

I will spank your hind quarters to a rosy red hue

Then bend you and fuck you as the cat stands and stares

Feisty condiments

Update: So this campaign is called Gioni’s Revenge and it came out of Italy in 2013. Pretty sexy, huh? Trust those Italians to add some spice to their sauce. I also located a third ad for your viewing pleasure. More info here:

I like a bit of heat on my buns, I have to confess. And nothing beats a bit of heat to the meat too. If I could get that in a bottle I would buy a case!

 

And a nicely flavoured version for the ladies

 

Did anyone actually see these ads marketing condiments?

 

Advent adventures part 2

Advent Adventures continues from here

We both woke on Tuesday feeling fine – no long term effects from completing our first Advent challenges, other than a few small bruises from Miranda’s crop and a set of delightful memories. However with another 23 days to work through we agreed on a modified game plan. We agreed to draw our challenges from the Advent calendar first thing, and then decide when and where the challenge would be fulfilled, provided it fell within 48 hours. With this plan in mind we drew our Tuesday tasks.

Miranda went first, and slowly unfolded her slip, bit her lip and folded the slip again. She was clearly nervous. “What did you get?” I asked.

“I’ll tell you after I see yours’” she replied. I took my slip and read it aloud.

“Six with the brush, straight from the shower – what did you get?” Without a word Miranda handed me her slip. It read ‘Cane – same number of strokes as the other slip’ – another one of mine (I like a degree of risk to my challenges!). She gave me a coy look and went to the cupboard to retrieve the rattan.

“Be gentle, we’ve a long way to go,” she said, then bent down to touch her toes, feet just slightly apart to give me a view of her sex. I do love the view of a well-presented bottom, and I spent a couple of minutes stroking her smooth cheeks before stepping to one side and lining up for my target. I confess I did take it easy, knowing she is somewhat nervous of the cane. Still, she had six nice red lines when I had finished, and she had needed a break after three to rub her bum. Given the marathon event facing us though, I didn’t feel the need to impose penalty strokes. With the final stroke delivered I stepped up behind her and pressed my now-hard dick between her legs, stroking the shaft back and forth across her pussy lips. She wriggled free and stepped away. “Ah Ah, not now. You need a shower and you will be late for work.”

Reluctantly I loped off to the bathroom, shiny head leading the way. I had a quick scrub and was then engaged in a very pleasurable soaping of the tackle when suddenly the curtain was dashed back. There stood Miranda with her hairbrush. Just then, events overtook me and I shot my load into a soapy fist. I looked up at Miranda as she looked down at my rapidly deflating member.

“Well now,” she said, “You couldn’t wait. I think you’re about to regret your haste. Step out and bend over the side of the bath. Put your hands on the bottom of the tub!”

I started to speak, but thought better of it. Having been caught red-handed I knew better than to answer back, so I stepped out and assumed the position. Taking a spanking after coming stings way more. Add in the wet bum, a frustrated wife and a hard wooden hairbrush and she had me hopping after delivering six strong smacks to my poor bum. She laid the brush on the counter and left me to dry off. I checked the mirror and I could easily make out the separate oval imprints on my cheeks. I felt the stinging for a good while afterwards, and I also knew that battle lines had been drawn in our Advent adventures.

By Friday of the first week, Miranda had taken spankings with the slipper, ruler and another hand spanking to add to her first two outings. She had bent me over the bed, sofa and her knee to deliver spankings by hand, cane and strap. By Saturday morning we both had some marks and a little deep tenderness to the cheeks, but we were determined to carry through the adventure.

We had each prepared a set of special challenges for the weekend events, so it was with eager anticipation that we pulled open the drawer for Saturday December 6^th.

To be continued …

Footnote: I want to send special thanks to Chross for posting a link to Advent Adventures in hsi Saturday round-up. I was suttned to se eth ejump in my stats. It is heartwarming to see so much interst in my writings.

Advent Adventure

Miranda went shopping last week with a specific item in mind to lead us into the holiday season. She came home with one of those refillable Advent calendars – the sort with little drawers you can fill with a sweet treat. Her idea was to fill each drawer with a spanking treat. With the spirit of Christmas gift giving and receiving in mind, I suggested we should each add a spanking treat per day, so we could share the pleasures.

We agreed some basic ground rules and set to work:

• We would each write out 24 spanking ‘events’ including an implement, number of swats and any other instructions. As we would each draw an event each day, we had to be willing to give or receive the set event.
• We agreed a set of implements from amongst our favourite arsenal from which to draw our events: The agreed weapons were: Hand, Crop, Ruler, Slipper, Strap, Brush, Cane, Table Tennis paddle
• All spankings would be on the bare bottom, of course
• We would each draw an event each day. If a day is missed the next day will include two events.
• Each weapon would be used three times in the calendar
• December 24^th will be an extra-special event leading up to the Big Day.

With our ground rules in place, we each sat and wrote our vignettes. The quiet was punctuated by the occasional ‘oh yes!’ a few chuckles and plenty of seat shuffling as our fantasies began to stir other juices.