Month: March 2015

Some spanky limericks 

I had a few minutes to kill waiting for Miranda and I had a few thoughts on how she should pay for keeping me waiting. Put me in mind of some spanky hanky panky limericks. Enjoy

I’ve a yearning for spanking a bum

As a precursor to a jolly good cum

So if you don’t mind

Simply bare your behind

And we can get down to some whacking good fun

~~~~~~

There’s nothing I like to see more

Than plump buttocks that seem to implore

Please give me a smack

Not a gentle love tap

I just loved it when we did it before

~~~~~~

A girl’s well spread bottom reveals

Charms that should not be concealed

Deep down in her cleft

Her only virginity left

Til to my manhood it does finally yield

~~~~~

Oh please can I spank your tight bum

You’re as luscious as a nice juicy plum

Spread your twin moons apart

And I’ll certainly start

To beat your bottom like a band members drum

Room Service

Room Service. Here to turn down your bed,

Unless you would like something else instead.

Some crackers and cheese, a nice glass of red,

Or maybe you prefer me to give you some head?

Would you like me to wank you and bring you relief,

Or maybe to spank you and bring you some grief?

If you touch your toes I will happily bestow,

Upon your tight bottom a nice rosy glow.

I’m the gentlest of spankers, you will surely agree,

And when we are finished, you can spank l’il old me.

I could bend over tightly and show you my drawers,

If you lift up my skirt and let your fingers explore.

I know you’ll enjoy the delights you will find,

When you pull down my panties and expose my behind.

My cheeks are so luscious and perky and tight,

So ready for spanking from dawn until night.

If you would Sir, I appreciate a hand spanking first,

Just to warm up the engine and make a girl purr.

And from there, if you please, your belt is just fine,

And if you don’t have one you can always use mine.

But I must stop you there so we can change halfway through,

So I can use my old belt to soundly thrash you.

And when we are both nice and sore and warmed up,

Well then we can get down to a good solid fuck.

You can fuck my tight pussy, my mouth and my bum,

Just so long as I get some incredible cums.

If I don’t, well there’s always a price to be paid,

For failing to tip your sweet chambermaid.

You can expect to pay dear for your failure to please,

Your butt will be high and I will spread out your knees,

So I can fuck your tight ring with my big strap-on cock,

Pushed it deep in your arsehole, right up to the top.

If I don’t get my pleasure, you must pay dearly for yours,

So what’s it to be? Your stomach or your balls?

I can serve you your dinner and then walk out the door,

Or you can take your chances, and we can both enjoy more.

Samara’s Bad-Girl Guide to Writing Erotica

Hilarious!

A Buick in the Land of Lexus

woman-writing-erotica 2

Ever since the appearance of Fifty Shades of Grey, the worst book to have ever sold 100 million copies worldwide, everyone is writing erotica.

I don’t want to discuss this Idiot Book, the fact that Anastasia is a virgin who orgasms 20 times an hour, never worries about getting a urinary tract infection or somehow made it through college without owning a LAPTOP.

Bad erotica is sprouting up everywhere. All of it hackneyed and formulaic.

The characters are always flawless. Or if they have flaws, they are so endearing they make the character even more adorable.

For women,”clumsy” is the most popular endearing flaw. For the record, I am clumsy. It’s a pretty glaring flaw. There’s nothing sexy about. I fall down, smack my head on things, injure myself frequently and am generally shocked to still be alive.

Last week, in a meeting with a group of men, I dropped my pen…

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Rosebottom recruits

 The Rosebottom Centre for Attitudinal Adjustment

red

seeks

Product Development Assistants

“We strive to achieve Bottom Marks”

Rosebottomers leave no bottom untouched in our pursuit of the perfect Rosebottom result. Our employees bend over to present our clients with the perfect opportunity to test our products and enact any scenario. We provide the perfect tools for attitudinal adjustment.

We are constantly seeking the next big thing in correctional devices, seeking new ways to excite, entice and warm the hearts of our clients’ bottoms. To assist, we need a new group of Product Development Assistants to provide practical help in the design, testing and marketing of a new range of leather, wood and acrylic adult goods.

To thrive as a Product Development Assistant you must be flexible, resilient and tolerant of painful and uncomfortable situations. You should be able to withstand an environment which may be taxing yet intensely enjoyable.

Every item we sell is  individually inspected and tested in a real-life environment. To assist our Testers you will assume a number of positions throughout the day. Essential safety equipment is provided to protect non-test areas of the body. Clothing restrictions often apply to testing environments.

If you work in our New Product Division you can expect to test many unique products designed for attitudinal adjustment. We employ a bottom-up, hands-on and highly participative methodology that delivers startling results when rigorously applied. Your bottom lines will be testament to the rigour of our Testers.

Quality control Development Assistants will assist as Subject participants in our OTK (Objective Testing Knowledge) protocols. These include:

  • Impact Testing: efficacy of the product in delivering a trademark Rosebottom glow; measures speed of heat transfer to Subject bottom.
  • Ease of Use: testers rate products on ergonomic handling and comfort (Subject comfort is inversely proportional to Tester comfort)
  • Longevity: occasionally we utilise destruction protocols to test product longevity. These can be particularly arduous to Subject bottoms as it is the product destruction we are testing, not the Subject.

As these protocols are rigorously applied they are particularly demanding on Development Assistants. We offer recovery rooms and massage service. Recovery rooms also provide options for ‘personal relief’ following testing sessions.

Successful applicants need to be flexible, inhibition-free, open-minded and highly resilient. You will be required to work in close, intimate and physically demanding personal situations with colleagues on a daily basis. Due to the nature of our work, we offer a clothing-optional work place.

We offer a lifetime supply of Rosebottom products for your personal enjoyment.

Please note that our interview process is long, rigorous, physically demanding but intensely enjoyable. We often require multiple personal testing sessions before making a selection decision.

Join us now, and you could become our next Rosebottom of the Month.

A wife knows

The car door slammed and heavy footsteps stomped up the stairs from the garage. The man wearily stepped into the kitchen, turning to close the door behind him. The effort of such a minimal task seemed almost too much to bear. He finally closed the door and walked into the kitchen. His wife looked at him sympathetically. She handed him a cold beer.

“Tough day, dear?”

“You could say that. Those little bastards know how to wind me up these days”. He took the beer bottle and twisted the top sharply, his frustration showing in every movement. He took a deep draught and placed the bottle on the counter, leaning his weight on his arms. His wife stepped behind him and reached up to rub his shoulders. The tension was evident through the white cotton of his shirt, damp now with the sweat of the late spring afternoon.

“You know how they get to you. You shouldn’t let them. What happened today?”

He spoke without turning. “Josie Smallwood. Caught smoking again. I’ve had her in my office every week over this and all I can do is send her to the School Counsellor. Little bitch knows how I hate girls smoking and she just pushes my buttons. She puts on that whiny little voice about how it’s an addiction and the school needs to be tolerant. Back in the day the only tolerance she’d have got from me would be to keep her fucking knickers on for a thrashing. Liberal bastards. Let them spend a day in a school, see if they can cope.”

She tried to placate him. “Oh surely it’s not that bad. I’m sure she’s trying to quit. And you were always so good with the kids.”

He stood up from the counter and faced her. At six two he was a head taller than her and she felt the little girl inside tremble slightly in the presence of this man who had been a Head for the last 15 years. It destroyed her to see how the last few years were eating away at his self-esteem. He spoke again, “It’s not just the smoking, it’s the attitude these days. Little bitch said, ‘my dad told me he would have been caned for smoking. Said you’d cane his bare bum. Shame you can’t do that to me, sir. Maybe it would help’. She said it with a smirk and little FUCKING wiggle. She’s a little whore, that one. Wouldn’t surprise me to find her pregnant before the end of the year. Christ, but I would like to whip some respect into that girl’s arse, I can tell you.”

She looked up at him, a man broken by a broken system. She knew what would help. What always helped, whether it was he or she that needed a lift. “Well,” she said. “I did have a little confession of my own. But I’m not sure you’re in a mood to deal with it,” as she spoke she played with the buttons on his shirt. The cues of their game were well understood on both sides. Each had become totally attuned to the other over the last 25 years. He quickly adopted his role, shrugging off the toils of the day as the old urges stirred.

He looked down into those big, brown eyes. “Well now, what’s the problem then, my dear?”

She stroked his chest as she spoke, “Let’s just say it was me who smoked a pack today. What’s that? 20 smokes? I’m pretty sure back in the day, you’d have had a way to deal with that, to make me see the error of my ways. No need to be lenient with me, either.” She looked up as she spoke, then bit her lip gently.

He felt the swelling urge in his pants at the thought. “Well now. 20 smokes in a day. That’s a big problem young lady. One that needs to be stamped out right now. Only way I see for that is a painful solution. I think the price is one swat for every cigarette. Bare bum, naturally. Are you prepared to take your medicine, to set you on the right track?”

She smiled as she saw her old husband came back from under the toils of the day. “Well I guess I have to be. I know I’ve been really, really bad, and I know you only want to help me.”

image“Well then, you head into my office and make yourself ready. I’ll be right in.”

A few minutes later he entered the small office at the back of the house. The sight before him caught his breath. Here was his wife of 25 years, naked from the waist down and bent over the desk. Her feet were spread wide and her back was dipped to open her bum cheeks up, revealing the wrinkled brown eye within and the delights of her sex. She had balanced their spanking paddle on her back. She wiggled her bum slightly as she heard his footsteps, careful not to unbalance the paddle.

She looked over her shoulder and smiled as she said, “When we’re finished with the smokes, I should also tell you I had a real hankering to suck on a big, fat cigar today.”

Into the Woods pt 1

Adam ambled along the wooded path enjoying the summer sun and revelling in the peace and quiet. He relished this Sunday morning escape from the hustle and bustle of life at home. He was ostensibly out to fetch the paper but he always liked to take the long route on nice days. It gave him a chance to escape the madness of a house with three small children and a wife who barely had the energy to function, let alone fuck.

Peace and quiet had been in short supply in the Woods household ever since the arrival of their first-born, Nate. It became positively extinct just a year later when the twins were born. Three was never in the plans. Adam recalled the day Maggie had phoned him at work with news of her pregnancy, and then the bombshell announcement of twins at the first scan. The thought of three kids all within a year hit him square in the face, though it might as well have been a kick in the balls. He’d had virtually no use for them for the last year. Their sex life had gone from fizzing to flatlined throughout Maggie’s pregnancy with the twins, and for six months afterwards. Now, with the twins almost a year old and Nate approaching two, there was barely a moment to sleep, let alone fuck. What sex they had now was quick, basic and frankly, boring. He wasn’t ungrateful – how could a man be ungrateful to have kids in his life, but he did miss the bedroom adventures he and Maggie enjoyed before the kids. Adam stopped and thought. When was the last time Maggie had blown him? He couldn’t remember. Certainly she had not wanted his face anywhere near her pussy in a year or more. He tried to recall when he’d last actually seen her with her thighs spread wide and her sex gaping for his cock. He shook his head to remove the vision of her feet up in stirrups, and focused instead on earlier times.

As he wandered along, Adam thought back to sex before kids. Maggie had always been an initiator. Her favourite technique when she wanted his dick was to be waiting, kneeling on all fours with knees spread. One time she had been in the living room and she had positioned herself so that the first thing he saw as he entered the room was her wet, willing cunt. Sometimes she’d be using a vibrator, sliding slowly in and out of her juicy slit. He smiled as he recalled what she’d be saying.

“Better get in here big boy, if you want a piece of this action. I’m getting close!”

At that he would drop down behind her and push his face into her wetness, tongue thrusting like a little dick. She loved to be licked out from behind, and she would push back against his face as he lapped. The thought of gripping her butt cheeks and tonguing her cleft, bum and pussy had his cock raging instantly. Adam had to push a hand into his shorts to free his cock from the knot in his pants. He squeezed himself, rubbing the clear, sticky fluid around his glans and continued to play the porn reel in his mind.

Maggie had loved to kneel on the edge of the bed so that Adam could kneel on the floor behind her, his face level with her wet, juicy, welcoming pussy. He could almost taste the bitter-sweet juices on his tongue and the tang of her anus as he rimmed her. His tongue poked out as he recalled jabbing it past the defensive ring of muscle, lubricating her back passage for a finger or thumb. They’d never got as far as actual anal sex, though he’d tried to convince her many times. Once when they’d been spooning he’d been pressing his cock head against her anus, lubricated with cunt and cock juices. She’d shifted somehow and he had popped past the tight ring to that his cock head was inside her passage. Before he knew it though, she had quickly shifted forward and his cock was ejected from her bum. He had lived with that almost-but-not quite experience for many years, extending the moment into a full-on arse fuck. He began to imagine again how it would go. His erection was painfully hard as he imagined standing behind Maggie, then pressing his cockhead against her anus. He could almost feel the tightness around his shaft as her bum stretched to welcome his hardness. He would fuck her then, slowly drilling his cock deep into her passage, then withdrawing part way as she moaned and thrust back against him.

The images in his mind increased the urgency he felt in his pants. He squeezed his cock again through the cotton shorts, but this just made things worse. He had to relieve himself. He looked around and spotted a narrow trail off the main path and ducked down it to find some privacy. A short way down he found a small clearing. He quickly unzipped and freed his cock, and began to stroke himself slowly as he continued his personal porn reel. He imagined Maggie sucking his balls, popping each into her mouth and gently tonguing him. He needed more freedom, so he quickly stripped off his jacket and dropped it on the grass. He dropped his shorts and pants, sat on his jacket and leaned back against a tree. Now he had both hands free to fondle balls and shaft together.

He went back to the image of Maggie on all fours. He’d spanked Maggie a few times, nothing too hard, but now he wanted to really spank her to release some of the pent-up frustration he felt. He reset his mental image and had her on her knees again, bum high in the air. He could feel the smoothness of her buttocks as he stroked her, preparing for the first strike, then SMACK, SMACK. Two spanks hard enough to leave red imprints. She’d moan and thrust out for more and he would spank her milky cheeks again and again, turning the pristine flesh pink. She would be moaning, writhing and bucking with each firm spank, egging hom on to spank her more, harder. He would spank the sensitive flesh of her bum cleft too, stinging the tight ring with sharp slaps as Maggie fingered her pussy, grazing her clit with a manicured nail then finger-fucking herself in time with his spanks.

Adam’s hand stroked up and down, surrounding his cock head then sliding right down to cup his balls as he played his personal movie. He coul hear Maggie urging him on, “Fuck, spank me harder, hit me again, aggghh, fuck, you bastard. Keep going, keep going!” Adam stroked himself up and down, squeezing his balls in time with his imagined spanks. He increasing his pace in time with his imagined spanking of Maggie and her thrusting fingers as his excitement rose.

She would dirty-talk him to drive him insane, his cock twitching and dripping as he spanked her until his hand stung. Her cheeks were red and blotchy, her bum hole pulsating with each stinging slap. She urged him on again, “Spank my pussy, fuck! You bastard! Spank my pussy NOW!”

He squeezed his eyes tightly to keep the image clear in his mind and he pictured himself spanking her mound with a cupped hand, four, five times as her orgasm built to a crescendo. With his left hand he gently rolled and squeezed his balls as his right hand continued to pump, more swiftly now in time with his pussy spanking. He felt the spunk rising and he forced himself to slow, enjoy the agony as his orgasm built. His whole body went rigid as his cock stiffened still more for those delicious seconds as the spunk shot up from his balls, along his shaft and erupted in a geyser from his glans. He shuddered and gently stroked the last of the cum from his shaft, and lay back against the tree trunk, enjoying the aftermath of a very enjoyable wank. The warm sun and lack of sleep soon had him dozing.

As he dozed he could feel Maggie playing with his cock, trying to entice life back into the slumbering beast. He moaned at her to stop, to let him rest. He felt a sharp prod in his balls and his eyes shot open. The bright sunlight temporarily blinded him, and he was momentarily confused to find himself outdoors. As his eyes adjusted he looked up to see two women standing over him. The younger one had her phone pointed at him and he heard the shutter sound as she took a picture of his exposed, flaccid cock. The older woman standing next to her poked his flaccid manhood with her walking stick. Adam quickly covered his nakedness with his hands. The older woman smacked his fingers sharply with her stick and he pulled his hands back in surprise.

“See what all the fuss is about, Amanda?” the older woman asked her colleague as she lifted Adam’s tackle with her stick. She sighed, “I’ve never understood boys and their urges. Back when I was a Head Mistress I would hear every day about boys showing their little dicks to the girls. And every day would end in tears.” She looked at her colleague and smiled, “They never seemed that keen to drop their trousers in my office, I can tell you my dear. And after they;d spent 20 minutes over my knee, I’m sure they thought twice about waving their parts around in public. Shame they stopped that sort of thing in my opinion. Look at the result.” With that she pointed her stick at Adam’s manhood again and he shrank back against the tree. “Did you get a good picture of him exposing himself dear?”

Amanda was staring lustfully at Adam’s penis and she started at the question. “Yes, yes I did, aunt Grace,” she stammered. ” I got some film of him wanking off too. Really good film.” She sighed at the thought of the graphic images waiting for her in the quiet of her room later.

“Amanda! Language please. Now, what to do with this young chap. We can’t have young men lying around with no trousers, playing with their bits and pieces whenever they feel the urge. I wonder if we should call the police. What do you think, Amanda?”

Amanda looked Adam up and down, and her eyes rested once more on his groin. “Oh, I think we can probably deal with this ourselves Aunty. After all, as you said, you had a sure-fire way to stop naughty boys waving their privates at the girls. I’m sure we could employ the same solution with this chap.” She stooped down and snatched up Adam’s shorts. She pulled his wallet out and fished for his driver’s licence, “Mr Adam Woods.”

Adam looked up at the pair beseechingly. What would happen now? They had his clothes, they knew his name, they had pictures. He’d lose his job if this got out, not to mention Maggie, the kids, his friends. He tried to speak, but words wouldn’t come.

To be continued ….